Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
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Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Lassie, get help!
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Love it! 👍😂
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”