I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
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My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that Iâve moved. Heâs been lying there for 5 hours. Weâre both dedicated to our lifestyles
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: Itâd be great to make decent money doing something Iâm proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we canât afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
âYour order just shipped.â
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Guy on airplane: Whatâs your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: Thatâs classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
me: iâm sad about this thing
therapist: but itâs not about that thing
me: ok thx hereâs $175
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you đ
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but canât put on a flip flop.
âNever eat raw cookie doughâ sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
If you donât know what stage your relationship is in, Iâd recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I asked my 6yo âarenât you gonna help me plant flowersâ and she said âoh mommy I would love to do that except that I donât want toâ
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Donât be alarmed, Iâm sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.