[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
You Might Also Like
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.