While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
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Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Chemical wingman
Husband of the year 😂
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.