ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
You Might Also Like
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
🤣🤣💀