me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
You Might Also Like
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
crochet youtube is brutal
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Noted.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Raisins are grape jerky.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”