Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
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every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
put ‘er there pardner!
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
m’lady