WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
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*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
What the dentist sees
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
watergate? u mean a dam??
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.