If youβve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. π© π©π©π©π©π©
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I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
when someone compliments me
I just found out Canada isnβt real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said βsitting with all of your friends?β And he said βyeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.β I love the holidays!!!
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
πββοΈ
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
When Iβm bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say βso….do you maybe have something youβd like to tell me? Iβll give you a little time to think about itβ….and then walk away.
Who said parenting canβt be fun?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleepβ¦
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I just did a google search for βGender reveal gone wrongβ and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?