[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Previously On Persistence 😎
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above