Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
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AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy