My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
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Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”