When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
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If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
It’s an epidemic…
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.