I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO