Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
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I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
When I snag the last meatball.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob