*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
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In Canada they just call them geese
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.