”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
You Might Also Like
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
This is my bus stop.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.