The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
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I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face