My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Autocorrect is my menesis
The government even made aliens boring
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”