Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
You Might Also Like
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.