*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Has science gone too far?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
yea so i messed up lol
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.