7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
fr
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!