I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.