but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.