Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
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[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.