If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
There are no pants in heaven.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.