Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
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SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.