Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
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[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
This is me 🤣🤣
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs