[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
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A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker