I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
birds and squirrels envy us
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear