ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
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A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar