YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
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*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it