Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.