HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Olâ Razzle DazzleâŚ
Gynecologist: Weâve talked about thisâŚPlease, stop.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think Iâm possessed.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[Lois & Supermanâs first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
When a guy on a date says âhow are you still singleâ apparently youâre not supposed to tell him
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. Itâs called self-care.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Steam Forums
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: đŽ hampire
put my earbuds in so i wouldnât have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could âborrow one so we could listen togetherâ
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: âAre you even listening to me?â
My son:
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like Iâm a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess Iâm creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chefâs kiss*
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down