experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
You Might Also Like
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself