Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.