who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
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As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
FINE, I WON’T.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet