oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
You Might Also Like
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”