Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
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Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
You are what you delete.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
spicy snake
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.