Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Life with a cat in one tweet
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces