878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My dog learned how to text
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics