Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
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From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Me in tagged photos
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on