Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
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I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour