normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
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i’m sure it’s fine
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing