My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Brands during Pride
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again