Go girl power!
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Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry