Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.