Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
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It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Autocorrect is my menesis
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.