[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Gemma Correll
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.