Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
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Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?